


i (still) love you

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (technically 2013 but it's basically 2012 idfk), 2012, Angst, Breakup, Everyone Needs A Hug, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Phil Lester being a sweetheart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 07:19:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12383505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: i had no idea what to title this, okay?





	i (still) love you

Dan’s head is numb as he walks past the kitchen, where Phil is currently pouring himself cereal. He flinches as the words of last night wash over him, but there’s that underlying feeling of satisfaction. Because he’s finally done it, finally broken it with Phil. It’s been a long time coming, if he’s honest. It has both terrified and relieved Dan, yet it invigorates him with a strange sort of courage as he enters the room and Phil looks up at him. His expression is empty, unreadable, and that’s one of the things Dan both hates and loves about Phil. Right now, it’s mostly hate. He could never tell when Phil was sad, unless he was outright crying or otherwise admitted it.

Without a word, Dan puts bread in the toaster and waits, allowing the silence to stretch out between them. He’s always been socially awkward, but his inability to communicate feels more painful today.

To Dan’s relief, Phil has the sense to bring his bowl to the living room so Dan can butter his toast in peace. He’s playing some kind of anime on TV; Dan can’t quite make out the individual sounds through the wall. They’re still friends, technically—he has a right to watch anime with Phil, doesn’t he?

Bringing his toast with him, Dan sits himself a comfortable distance away from his _friend_ , a distance they’ve never quite had until the past year. Even when they were young and newly in love, they had never felt the awkward phase of their relationship; it’s always been intimate and easy, right from the start. Perhaps it’s just been delayed, and this is it right now. But they aren’t even _in_ a relationship. Not anymore, at least. Christ, this is all so _confusing_ for Dan. They hadn’t exactly worked out _what_ their relationship boundaries were last night.

And all this thought of _Phil, Phil, Phil_ reminds him of when he was eighteen and falling hopelessly in love with a charismatic, pretty, older boy and he can’t help but look to his side. Phil’s lips are stupidly pale and so, so pretty. Being friends doesn’t stop Dan’s feelings. Why can’t this just be simple? You’re either boyfriends or you’re just friends. So why do Dan’s feelings towards Phil feel as if they’re in some limbo between romantic and platonic? He _knows_ what romance feels like, he _knows_ what it’s like to be infatuated with the handsome boy from Manchester. This isn’t the same. He wants to kiss Phil so badly, but he can’t stand _dating_ Phil. He can hardly stand Phil in general these days.

He feels as if he’s done something wrong. He can hear his parents talking about _mucking around with some stranger_ , about how he’d get over Phil in a few years. Had they been right? He wants to cry.

But… why should some stupid societal standard stop him from kissing his friend? If he wants to, what’s to stop him? They can cut all of the _boyfriend_ stuff. They don’t have to go on dates, they can see other people. And, for fuck’s sake, now they can answer all those dumb questions that go like “ _are you and Phil dating?_ ” honestly. Because they’re not. They’re just friends, like they’ve always marketed themselves to be.

( _Always_ seems to exclude that sliver of time when Dan thought, _I can do this. I can tell them that we’re together, just give me time._ )

 _Fuck it_ , he tells himself. He had the courage to talk to Phil last night, so he’ll have the courage to establish _this_ , now.

He shuffles across until their shoulders are nearly touching, making Phil look at him.

Fuck. Those lips were so kissable, and Dan hates himself for still thinking that. Because he’s not young anymore, he’s not dumb. He can’t have that. But he wants it, so badly.

When their lips meet initially, Phil doesn’t kiss back, perhaps out of shock. But then they’re kissing again, properly, and oh God, Dan’s missed this so much. It’s only been one night, but the thought of never being able to do this again filled Dan with a melancholy he hated.

Dan pulls away first, and when Phil leans in again (perhaps he thinks they’re making up. Perhaps he thinks this is just another argument, something they’ve been having an awful lot of lately), Dan puts his hand between them. Something inside him breaks and closes up his throat, because Phil would still take Dan back even after everything. Even after the whole of last year. Dan’s broken Phil’s heart.

“I love you, Dan,” Phil says, and Dan hates himself because Phil still hasn’t gotten the message. They’re not making up, they’re not getting back together.

“No, Phil…”

“No?”

Phil looks at Dan, all the patience in the world residing in his eyes, and Dan wants to cry, he wants to cry so badly, but he can’t and he won’t.

“I meant what I said last night.” Every word he says feels as if he’s fighting some invisible force constricting his throat.

“Then… then why did you…?” Phil looks like he wants to cry too.

Dan breathes, and then he doesn’t, because his throat feels so tight. He can’t get the words out, can’t even form them in his head, and he feels worthless. Phil deserves better than this. It’s as if he’s breaking up with Phil all over again, breaking his heart and stepping all over it.

“I want that, just without the… the _dating_ and the _boyfriends_ stuff.”

It seems to take a moment to process, but Phil nods and doesn’t question it. Does he think this is temporary? Or perhaps he’s just the kind of person to treat you with all the care in the world even after you destroy them. Dan knows Phil and he knows it’s the latter.

“So… friends with benefits?” The words seem to both cause Phil pain and yet come out so easily. Dan envies Phil’s ability to say what Dan can’t.

The label feels weird to describe his and Phil’s relationship, but he suppose it’s the best one out there. He definitely can’t stand calling them _boyfriends_ any longer.

“Yeah. I think.”

Phil just nods and returns his gaze to the TV, but he doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the anime. Dan isn’t either.

**Author's Note:**

> i had no idea what to title this, okay?


End file.
